After one of the break-ups I experienced, I understood that I need to activate my broken heart mechanism. I have been through it in the past and knew how to deal with it every time, so this time also I had to work according to my “formula”.
I imagine it like an auto pilot I have inside me that need to get me through this storm. My life, the plane, will be a little bit shaken now but I knew that this is going to be over. I knew that this horrible storm of emotions that make me feel so hurting, will be finished at some point and it will be peaceful again. Until the storm finish I need my pilot to navigate through the unbalancing period.
‘Everything I knew up to this point will be different now’, that’s how it feels, there won’t be a body next to me in bed when I go to sleep or wake up in the morning. I won’t have my soulmate friend to share things with and to talk about stuff. I won’t have intimacy. I won’t have a partner to show in public, I am going back to be a “single” in society.
I had to deal with all the emotions that arose, felt like break-up is a little bit like death. So there is also a need for grieving period. To digest the fact that in the future, it is not going to be like before. Sometimes at this stage I also lose my appetite, usually accompanied by a strong desire to curl into a ball under a blanket and never leave bed.
After that comes the rage, how did he dare? And probably he stopped loving me a long time ago, and probably he cheated on me (adding match to the fire), it is one conspiracy theory after another.
“And how dare he do it in this TIMING? He ruined my plans completely! How did he tell me until the last minute “you’re my darling, you’re my shmoopy” if he didn’t mean it? One moment later he changed his mind? He probably lied to me all this time.”
Then comes repression, and trying to gain his heart back. Trying to get together again, maybe if something will be different? Maybe if we change something we can get back together? For one minute I entertain myself with the idea I will change everything I stood for just to be back in the relationship, but who am I kidding? It won’t be the real me, and these are things that are too important to compromise.
Then comes the bleeding Ego, did he leave me because he stopped loving me?
What is WRONG with me? Why am I not capable of holding a relationship? I am fault. I am not worthy.
Then comes the mechanism that atoning all the above, NO NO! it’s not that the love ended; the root cause is something else and far more essential, and it’s better like this.
Then comes acceptance, It’s fine, the relationship wasn’t perfect, anyway there were plenty things about him I didn’t appreciate or like, anyway, it would have drove me mad with time if I had stayed in this relationship. This relationship did not have a future.
Then comes the scary ALONE. You got used to have someone beside you nonstop. This alone time can be scary for just few moments, but very quickly you resume to the good old alone time that can also fertilize you. The alone time that is good for you. When you don’t need to considerate anyone else beside YOU and don’t let any other people thought/opinion comes into your mind. Suddenly you find empowerment in the alone time. You considerate only yourself and your needs at these moments. Which usually when we are in a relationship we tend to neglect…
So, if you would like to hear about my "Formula" here it is. Of course there cannot be one formula which fits all, but the main subjects to consider are there. Written to a female reader - but meant to every gender <3
A formula for healing a broken heart:
(Doesn’t necessary have to be this order)
- Everything in life is temporary. Know that and let it sink in.
Relationships tend to be temporary too… and we get over them and move on to the next one. The sadness and agony is also temporary. Acknowledge that and find the comfort in it. You can know certainly that this will be over. The question is how to control the velocity of the process. How fast you can get over it.
- Wallow in your emotions and feelings, don’t ignore them. Let them be. If you need so, close yourself from the world for a while to do some internal work and digest these emotions. Unless you’re a social person and need the help and support of others, the main thing is to have balance. And to allow yourself to talk and process these feelings but not excessively. Do it in a way that will help dissolve them until they’re gone. Eventually they will disappear, you must remember (You will look back and remember it vaguely).
- Do not take all the blame on you. It won’t help and it is not right. Every break up story has 2 sides, and those are two independent entities who thinks differently. You cannot know what he thinks about you, even though you probably try to guess and this thought is disturbing you. Don’t let it disturb you because you don’t know if it is true. Is the story you are telling yourself (about what he thinks of you)… as long as he didn’t express it certainty and distinctively – you can’t know if it is true. Everything else is your thoughts, interpretations, internal dialog. Treat it as it is, only interpretations. There are many sides to every story, there is his side and your side also but you tend to see only from your point of view. It is hard to look at things from the other’s perspective.
Treat your thoughts as ‘only thoughts’, not reality. Not the absolute truth. Take their load off your shoulders, take off their value. They are Just Thoughts.
- The whole idea sums up to the fact that you did not match each other.
If you were, the universe would have arrange the fit, you would have probably stayed together. Think positive, shift the focus to YOU and what is GOOD for you. For your OWN GOOD you are not together with a person who doesn’t match you. He is not the right person for you. No matter what are the story details, the outside frame is good to see, and it is that you are not together for your own good.
Because even if you think there is no justification for his behavior and why did he stop loving? If he is reluctant to (or can’t) see the beauty and good in you – it’s good you are not together.
- After digesting the emotions, it is time to get out of the grief period, i.e. lowering the thoughts about him until the level of zero. Until the level he is not disturbing your mind. Until a level you know and affirm to yourself that your life goes on. Understand that the faster you let it go, the better and improved your quality of living will be. You want to get over it because it will only do you good. At some point you realize that life is HERE and NOW, not in the past. Put him in the past.
- Live in the present. In the here and now. In this moment. Be fully engaged in every moment, especially after a break up.
When I used to work in a newspaper for example I was after a very hurtful break up (that how it felt back then). There was one day I had enough of thinking about him and being in misery so I dived inside work fully and completely. I felt every story I’ve been listening to (on the phone), as if I was the person telling it.
The woman that described me her complaints and bad experience for Consumer complaints column, I felt as if it was me, and I’m feeling everything she’s been through. I had total empathy for her and her character at these moments, I simply forgot about the break up. I was in the present moment. All that day I was living the present moments and after that I felt wonderful, not only because I forgot about the agony but also I was efficient and saw the fruits of my work.
Sometimes it helps to “wear” another character for a moment, fully empathetic and being in someone else’s shoes (in the mind). It reminds you that there are plenty entities in this world and they all have different life experience and story. You are part of a big world, a huge universe. This break up is a tiny energetic dot in the vast time, space and universe. You will get over it soon and life will go on and continue. They already are continuing… in the present.
- Gratitude. This is a crucial step in every recovery from depression or break up and in any treatment for well-being.
Remember, memorize, remind yourself, at least once a day of all the things you HAVE in your life. Be grateful, it always help. It changes the frequency of your energy, thoughts and emotions to positive effortlessly. Even once a day is enough – it will raise your mood, guaranteed.